Wanna Ride My Body?
My aging body can be fun. Simply imagine my aches and pains and drooping parts as thrilling attractions.
Behold the human body—it’s a personal vehicle through space and time. We don’t notice we’re trapped inside of one until it starts hurting. Our traveling costs a price: aches and pains, aesthetic decline, and worst of all is the potential life-threatening diagnosis.
Why suffer alone? We can share our respective complaints over coffee.
Or, we can be far more interesting. We can translate our suffering into an adventure. We can become rollercoasters.
Let’s turn our corporeal woes into wonders.
All it takes is a little imagineering.
Ride My Body—It’s a Theme Park!
Check Out My Favorite Attractions:
* The Frozen Shoulder *
Board my left arm and go nowhere. You’ll think the ride is stuck because it is.
Type: Stationary Seating
Fun For: Persons prone to motion sickness and/or small children.
Caution: Guests risk limited mobility for approximately 12-18 months.
* Herniated: The Flying Discs *
Like Disney’s Dumbo the Flying Elephant ride, but without animals and with actual pain. Experience cervical radiculopathy as electrical shocks shoot down your arm and through your fingers.
Type: Soaring in Agony
Fun For: Idiots, Assholes, and Other Pains in My Neck.
* The Plantar Fasciitis Experience *
Rub my feet.
Type: Touch Tank
Fun For: Those With a Foot Fetish and/or other Sore Soles.
* The Hip Replacement *
Navigate your way through the bone-on-bone boneyard while searching for the missing cartilage.
Type: Labyrinth
Fun For: People looking for a hip alternative to the same old corn maze.
* Vision Quest *
Hunt for my dozens of lost eyeglasses. They’re everywhere but I can’t see them.
Type: Scavenger Hunt
Fun For: Seeing Persons and/or Kleptomaniacs
* The Escape Womb *
Guests are catapulted deep into my uterus with no spelunking equipment other than their bare hands. Participants navigate around massive fibroid tumors. Sure, my kids got out alive, but will anyone else?
Type: In Utero Escape Room with Climbing Expedition
Not Fun For: Claustrophobes
* Raging Red Rapids *
Riders board a boat crafted from super absorbent sanitary napkins, but they aren’t super enough. Beware of planet-sized, perimenopausal blood clots.
Type: River Ride, Heavy & Prolonged
Fun For: Vampires
* Plumpy’s Plummet *
Experience the thrill of riding up and down my rolling flesh. Defy gravity. Then, plummet yet again.
Type: Rollercoaster
Fun For: People Skinny Enough to Fit on the Ride.
* The Boob Booster *
Boost my boobs. Eliminate stretch marks. Restore nipples to original size, shape, and color.
Type: STEM Project Challenge
Fun For: College Applicants Looking for Unique Extracurricular Activities
Prerequisites: In order to reduce participant shock, prior exposure to Mom Boobs (i.e. MILF porn) is highly recommended.
* Skull Saw *
Meet the most common of all brain tumors: The meningioma.
Guests take a virtual ride into my left parietal lobe while seated upon latex-wrapped replicas of my brain surgeon’s hands. This is a fully immersive craniotomy adventure through my scalp, skull, and membranes, including a “get wet” dip into my cerebral spinal fluid.
Type: 4D Simulator Experience
Rating: Invasive
Fun For: Saviors and/or Sadists
* Wrinkles & Wanderlust *
Board a 4x4 vehicle and explore the surface area of this middle-aged white lady. Tour includes a journey to the spots where white privilege ends.
Type: Dermatological Safari
Not Fun For: Anyone trying to decenter whiteness.
* All My Younger Bodies *
Catch a glimpse of my ideal body, which is my body at any age prior to now, but especially at age nineteen.
Type: Haunted Mansion
Warning: Ethereal forms are ephemeral.
* Fuck Us Hard *
Insurance companies charge admission to the program. They use smoke and mirrors. Scream and yell and post online rants until we die.
Type: Magic Show Full of Illusions & Bullshit
Not Fun For: Anyone Living in a Body
Thanks for visiting Ride My Body!
For the comments section: Which ride was your favorite? The scariest? Do you have a ride of your own in mind?
Hysterical ! (Pun intended) thank you !
I would say Hersheypark in Hershey, Pennsylvania